She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
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