just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
Um, I don't really remember much about the event... and then I woke up on the metro..
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
The problem is that you are trying to hold on to some dignity. Let it go. I hope your rash gets better.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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