the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
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