420 ftw
I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
IF SOMEONE ASKS YOU IF YOU WANT THE GOOD DRUGS YOU SAY YES.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
Randomize
