How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
i can't believe i had my finger in that
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
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