i cvme to yuor rooom...wherer are youf?
please be gone before i get back
She tried to have sex with him but he quote unquote respected her
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
I don't remember his name but he sat in the bathroom and gave us both advice...
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
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