I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
she asked if mt Rushmore was natural or man made
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
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