I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
I did sing regulators with a random black dude at The Rail without looking at the screen, hugged him and walked off stage. I pretty much live up to all expectations.
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
As for the other mouse...I don't have any mouse traps so I put a Jell-O shot on the ground. Party hard little dude.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
Randomize
