I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
I will consider it. I need to determine if ogling him is worth almost certain death via zipline.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Randomize
