I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Randomize
