Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
how am i in montreal? thats like a 3 hour train ride. i remember nothing.
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
Randomize
