i'm in the sorta mood where i wanna be that crying, drunk girl who will hook up with anyone that tells her she's pretty
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
Randomize
