I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
People in love make me want to vomit
I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
I'M NOT READY TO BE AB ADULT YET!!!
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
conclusion: canadians have really freaky sex
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
