drug dealer added me on facebook, win ?
omg no way im finding him!
he has no pics of his face, and im always drunk so i cant remember if hes cute or not, but he told me im in his phone as "party girl" which is fitting i guess cause im dragging my hungover ass to buy preggo tests, and i had to get the cheap ones cause i blew all my cash on coke.
he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
we didnt plan anything. just randomly met up in the park, both reached into our pockets and each lit up a joint without exchanging words. we're telepathic potheads.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
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