What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
I cannot find my penis.
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
I hope so. I just start to question my lifestyle when i pee on coffee tables
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
To this day, he introduces me as "the girl I met climbing trees at 3 A.M."
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Randomize
