Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
Changed my mind. Wearing a dress. Casual, with a side of breasts.
He deserves to hear about your Vagina Shrooms
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
Floor bacon is actually really good
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
Randomize
