I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
why does he think he needs to feed/take me out to get some ass? we are at a bar wasting my fucking time
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
I live in Vegas It shouldn’t be this hard to find a penis looking for a night of no strings attached sex
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