HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
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