I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
she always winds up in the cupboards its nothing new.
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
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