hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
Girl passed out in class and vomited. Another victim of syllabus week
On my way back to his place to see his "art". Why am I sure this is going to be nothing more than his dick in a box?
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
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