Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
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