omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
so thats a no on the drunken crutches race 2moro
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
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