i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
I'm way too hungover for life right now
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
my favorite part was when you kept waving @ that guy and insisiting it was your cousin..and it wasnt and wondering why he wasnt waving back lol you were legit PISSED
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
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