His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
now I regret adding my aunt on facebook. she remnded me today on my wall about the importance of checking my stools for blood since I have diaherria.
at least 'blackout me' had enough sense to take the puke covered duvet off the comforter.
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
you say it like running around in your thong wasted is a bad thing
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
Randomize
