Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
No. one of us needs a degree and I am already the alcoholic friend. I can't do everything
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
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