He said he was just looking at my pictures and was thinking about how he wanted to cut my hair..then dye it black and put platnium blonde extensions throughout it and layer my hair
White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
Randomize
