my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
Sacagawea was the original milf.
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
Definitely went down on him last night while he was wearing a cape. He randomly kept swirling it around me and "revealing me" in the mirror like a magic trick. I'm not even a little upset, it's fun fucking younger guys.
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
eating pizza to get the taste of dick out my mouth wby
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