I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
ejected that DVD during the department meeting.. it was our porn from last night. I have a new nick-name at work.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
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