I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
She acts like you when your on meds
She acts like batman?
you have to choose: penises or morals?
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
