Holy wow, I found all the old poems u wrote me back when we were in looooooooove...just sort of wild to look back on, thought u'd like that
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
He just said "wow, thats some rly nice hair! And those teeth..thosee are some cool teeth"
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
Randomize