I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
Was it cause you feel bad for the ridiculousness my vagina goes through because same
You can't just bring up bondage and then stop answering me
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