god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
Porn is love you can see.
Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
He showed up in booty shorts and no shirt and said dont laugh dont ask questions and give me a fucking final and no one in class said anything we just sat there speehless
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
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