He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
they have a walk of shame score keeper on their fridge. I marked my tally for him on my way out..
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
I don't care if shes your sisters age. Once someone is on my to do list theres only one way to get them off it
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
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