I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
He told me I took off my shirt, asked for the latino thunder and jumped on him. I want to question this but it sounds too much like me.
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
I rarely go in there. Unless it's for mini cadbury eggs and whiskey.
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
Randomize
