she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
Cassie is wearing a baseball cap. This rebound is going nowhere
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
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