dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
Yes stubble LOOKS hot but factor in his shitty bj skills and I might as well have jacked off with apricot scrub
We aren't really supposed to respect our bodies til our mid twenties.
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
You brought string cheese to the strip club
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
Randomize
