i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
he turned the pretty ricky playlist on. its about to go down.
We found him. 8 blocks away from the bars and almost at his parent's house. On the verge of tears.
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
after last night my drinking related hospital bracelet collection is up to 13
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
How's the party?
I'm watching two people get flogged. Sothere's that.
Randomize
