Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
just a forewarning-if you come home and hang out with your stupid girlfriend the entire time that you are here/fail to get wasted with us i will wish either death upon you or that you truly do turn gay when you return to the navy.
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
according to the random from alabama i slept with last night i kept saying "poor lil tink tink" over and over in my sleep
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
Yeah I made some freshmen feed me oddles of noodles and I passed out
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
you are never too drunk for berry picking
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
Dude get over here. Steven brought super soakers filled with colored vodka.
Randomize
