The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
Wish you were here....
And I wish your mouth was around my cock, but that never happens, does it?
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
Randomize
