just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
It's safe to say that bucket of tequila night can NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
I woke up the other day with my Google browser open to "DIY lip injections"... I also just received a vial of hyaluronic acid and a package of TB syringes from amazon. I'm down.
I will have no part of this.
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
Randomize
