Party's warming up, a tranny just got here...
How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
It didn't go so well. He got drunk and asked my dad if 'front or back' virginity mattered more.
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
I think it may of been me pulling down my pants is why she walked away.
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
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