I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...
its like whenever the snow comes all the hott girls drop out of school. where are they
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
I have officially had sex in every room on my floor. Don't say I'm not an amazing RA.
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
Randomize
