I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
I thought she was going to get passionate and throw her on the bed and fuck her, but she just started breaking stuff.
That's the thing about women.
sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
Would you even take no as an answer? I have a feeling you see it more as a challenge.
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
I do remember that in my dream I wasn't impressed with his dick.
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
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