genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
Randomize
