fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
Being a responsible DD does not include attempting to coordinate a 4 taxi caravan to bar #3
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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