they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
For u too. Could be years before u have a finger in ur ass
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
We are going to need a water proof camera with a flash....exit routes....lots of booze.....and a tutu for good measure
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Randomize
