What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
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