He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
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