i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
Interestingly im still mad at you for the time we got high and you tried to hump me.
Lol thats a classic
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
I just sat through a State Farm mortgage Insurance commercial to watch a Trick Daddy video. Is this the target audience they are going for here?
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
Randomize