i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
But I'm halfway naked in a seductive pose! I just want to get this right...
Jerry, you need to find god
yeah worst sex in my life. plus i think her little brother was in the room.
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
well when do great stories at the expense of people's relationships become a bad thing?
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
Hopefully he gets to dig deep into my body, before he digs deep into my past ..
Randomize
