I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
shes perfect for him. shes never seen a penis so she has nothing to compare his to.
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
Randomize