That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
Puking green right now......... jaimison mcflurry very bad idea
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
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