I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
we could easily be the first people to smoke 3 bowls and pound a Four Loco before goin on a tour of the Tillamook cheese factory
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
So if you want this MFM threesome thing to happen the other guy is here and willing
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
Randomize
