I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
some kid came into the principals office and tried to explain what he was sent there for through interpretive dance.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
We were playing flip cup on the nice dining room table. Losing team had to shamwow the table in between rounds
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
Randomize
