Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
Randomize