she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
We had sex in the bathroom. Then he told me I could watch him pee.
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
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